Wasted
by Northborn
Summary: With a scarred body & a broken heart, Castiel goes on a mission with Sam. He never sees or talks to Dean anymore because Dean left him after an apparent one night stand. Dean finally tracks down the angel to try to explain, but Castiel is captured before he can. Can these two sort everything out before it's too late? Some language. M to be safe. A bit AU.
1. Broken Angel

_Castiel hadn't realized what Dean had meant when he said they should go back to the motel. The problem was that he didn't comprehend what Dean's intentions were until Dean had him forced up against a wall with Castiel's legs wrapped around his waist. Castiel tried to fight the growing pleasure that he felt as Dean rubbed against him._

_"Dean? Where are my pants, Dean?"_

_"You won't need them for this, Cas." Dean had rumbled, fingers loosening the tie around Castiel's neck, his hands quickly tearing open Castiel's shirt_

_"Dean, stop."_

_"What? I can't let my best friend be a virgin; not when there is something I can do about it, or something I want to do about it." The lust was evident in Dean's eyes. But there was a fondness there as well, a fondness that made Castiel want to give in. But this was Dean Winchester who's hands were teasingly skimming over the angel's bare chest. Despite all the whiskey he had consumed, Castiel's mind was clear. He felt alive. But he couldn't do this. Not with Dean. He had a mission. And Dean was known for only having one-night stands._

_"I'm not a virgin." Castiel managed to unwrap his legs from Dean's torso. "Let me down. We can't do this, Dean. I am an angel of the—" Dean had effectively silenced him with a kiss that had made Castiel forget how to breathe._

_"I've seen how you look at me, Cas." Dean breathed before reclaiming the angel's mouth over and over again between words. "Don't you dare lie to me. I know you want this."_

_"We don't have time for d-distractions." Castiel stuttered slightly as Dean had pulled him back against his body. He gave in, his legs wrapping back around Dean. Dean grunted in pleasure, unbuckling his belt._

"_Shut up, Cas." Castiel had all too willingly complied as those kisses had made him feel a desire stronger than he had ever felt before. Dean was right. Castiel wanted this. Castiel had wanted Dean before he even know fully what it meant to want someone._

* * *

Castiel shook his head trying to clear his thoughts. That had been a long time ago. Dean and Castiel barely spoke now; they hadn't spoken to each other in months. He hadn't seen Dean in months. Though he remembered telling the elder Winchester that was exactly what he wanted.

* * *

"You okay, Cas?" Sam looked over from behind the bar.

"I am fine." He answered Sam in a lackluster manner. Dean would have called him a robot; told him to pull the stick out of his ass. But Sam just gave him a worried look before returning back to work.

Cas and Sam were undercover in a small town in Kentucky. Weird stuff had been reported, but it had stopped as soon as they had arrived. So Sam had said they should stay for a while to see if things started back up. Castiel knew Sam hoped that Dean would join them and that he and Dean would be friends again. But Castiel was determined to never let Dean into his life again. He had a world to save. He had the mission. Or so he told himself late at night when he was all alone. He had been useless to the cause for quite some time now.

Sam never pried about that night with Dean. Castiel almost wished he would ask him about it, just so he could get it all off his chest. But Sam never asked because Sam already knew. He had been the one who had found Cas beat up behind the motel. That was the part Castiel could never quite remember. His attacker had looked like Dean, but hadn't fought like Dean. But it didn;t matter. According to the motel owner, Dean had left early that morning. Castiel had been left with the trash until Sam had shown up looking for his brother. Sam had been the first one to verbally accuse Dean of the attack. Castiel didn't really care who or what attacked him. Castiel was far more hurt by Dean's abandonment than he was about his cut-up face and shoulders. He was grateful that Sam didn't know the intimate details of what had happened that night. But then again, this was Sam, Dean had probable confessed to doing the deed with Castiel.

"It's Dean, isn't it?" Sam was back, holding out a beer for Castiel. "That's what's bothering you?" The angel shook his head at the beer.

"Something stronger, Sam, if you want to talk about your brother." Sam smiled sadly, heading back to the bar to grab a bottle of whiskey. Castiel shook his head again. "Something else." Whiskey had started that night. He was not going down that road with the younger Winchester.

"Cas…" Sam shook his head. "I'm not him. It's not like that between us." He put the whiskey back and retrieved some vodka instead. So Sam did know about them doing the dirty as Dean liked to call it.

"I know, Sam." Castiel thought his own voice sounded hollow, hollow as the rest of him. "Just it reminds me of him."

"I know he's my brother and all, Cas, but I hate him for doing this to you." It was the most Sammy had ever said about the situation. The angel appreciated the kind words. He was glad Sam had stopped trying to apologize for Dean's behavior.

"Well that's rich." Castiel jumped at the sound of that all too familiar gruff voice behind him. "What the hell?"

"Dean." Sam breathed, glancing at Castiel in concern. But Castiel's stoic soldier mask was up. The angel turned to face the hunter.

"Dean." He cursed every demon in hell and every angel in heaven for the way those green eyes made his knees feel weak. Dean looked worse than he had the last time Castiel had seen him. His green eyes had a haunted, haggard look that made him seem old.

"You're speaking to me again?" Dean's eyebrows went up. "Well, it must be Christmas." He sat down on the barstool next to Castiel. "Can I get a drink, Sammy?" Sam wordlessly reached for the whiskey. "God, Sam, no, I don't drink whiskey anymore." He blinked as Sam and Castiel both turned to stare at him. "What? I just think I've learned my lesson when it comes to drinking." He looked at Castiel with a glance that spoke of his shame and self-loathing. His eyes strayed a little longer on the visible scar on Castiel's face and neck. He gave Castiel a curious look. Castiel wanted to say everything was all right, but he had to honor something Dean had asked of him that night in the motel. He wouldn't dare lie.

"Go to hell, Dean Winchester." He said quietly, getting up from the bar. Part of him felt relieved to know it hadn't been Dean who attacked him, but Dean had still left him. And if Dean hadn't left him, he wouldn't be roaming the country with a face that always seemed to get looks of pity wherever he went.

"Why? So you can leave another hand print that I can always remember you by?! Look, Cas, I'm sorry, okay? I'm fucking sorry." A few other patrons of the bar curiously glanced over. Castiel felt his face grow red. He knew what people were thinking and it made him furious and ashamed. "Did you ever think I didn't have a choice? I know I'm not the most classy guy in the joint, but I'm not that heartless, Cas." Castiel turned and left without another word. He felt so tired. Well, he always felt tired, but hell, Dean Winchester made him feel exhausted. Wasn't that the apology he had always wanted? And that look in Dean's eyes told him how badly the hunter sincerely felt?  
Castiel's chest tightened. He missed Dean. He missed his best friend. He missed that rare hug or the pat on the arm when it seemed like the world was going to pot (because it usually was).  
But he couldn't come to forgive him yet. He couldn't let him back in. He wouldn't be played by Dean Winchester ever again, even if he was all Castiel wanted. He rubbed the scar on his neck, just another reminder that he just been another notch in Dean's belt.


	2. Drunken Angel

Castiel slid into Dean's room without much hassle. The lock had been easy to pick. He had known Dean would get the room next to Sam's. He could hear their voices much clearer than he had been able to from his room, but he hadn't broken and entered just to hear a conversation. It had been hard enough to faintly hear Dean's voice from his room, but now, hearing his voice so clearly nearly drove Castiel to his knees.

"What are you two doing here, Sam?" Ah, there is was: that gruff voice that Dean used to disguise the fact that he cared. "There is nothing supernatural going on here except for the fact that you and Cas are here. Why did you tell me you guys were on a mission?"

"We are."

"Sam… I didn't go to Stanford, but I'm not that stupid." Castiel could just imagine the look Dean was giving his brother. He clutched the door as the stabbing pain of missing Dean threatened to take him over. The alcohol was definitely smoothing the way to depression tonight.

"I told Castiel there was a case here to keep him safe." Sam started out slowly, but the words flowed faster and faster now that he had finally cracked. "Dean, you should have seen him after that morning when I found him behind the motel. It was terrfiying. I got scared. I thought that he might end it a few times. It seemed like he was certainly trying to end up dead on the few hunts I brought him on."

"What happened?" The concern in Dean's voice was undeniable, but Castiel couldn't fully believe it. "What happened to Cas after I left?"

"He was beat up and left for dead, Dean. Why the hell did you leave him?"

"I didn't have a choice. Crowley called me. He said you were taken by these demons. He said they just wanted to talk, but I couldn't bring 'the angel' with me. I found out after I got there that it was a trap. And when I tried to explain to Castiel, he told me he never wanted to see me again."

"What did you do to Cas, Dean?"

"I slept with him!" Dean's voice rose.

"You what?" Sam actually laughed for a second. "Oh my god, you're serious. You slept with Cas? And then you left him behind like a fucking one night stand? Oh shit, bro."

"I didn't want to leave him." Dean admitted in a much lower voice, so low that Castiel could barely hear.

"Yea, well you did and a shape-shifter attacked him pretending to be you. So you're screwed." Castiel didn't wait to hear Dean's reply. His head felt like it was spinning already. Perhaps he shouldn't have drunk so much in his room. He smiled briefly thinking of his stash of whiskey under the bed. He shouldn't have drunk so much. He didn't want Sam to know.

He staggered out of the room, trying to run towards the waiting Impala. He jingled the keys in his hand. Man, it felt great to be leaving everything behind. Now he could understand why Dean didn't stay attached to anyone other than those he considered family. Dean had once considered him family before that night in the motel. He giggled slightly looking at the open bottle of Jack in his other hand. It was time to hit the road. He unlocked the car and settled behind the wheel. He winced as the smell of Dean hit him. Oh, what he would do for a hug from that damned human. He thrust the key into the ignition. He had to drive away before this longing that refused to be drowned no matter how much alcohol Castiel drank drove him back into Dean Winchester's life.

"Cas!" He faintly heard Dean yell as he accelerated out of the parking lot. He glanced in the rearview to see the two brothers running after him. He wasn't going to lie. It felt good to have Dean be the one calling after him. Being left sure teaches someone how to leave. He wouldn't be gone long though, not with Dean's baby. He ran his hands over the steering wheel. "Cas!" Dean bellowed again.

"Too late, always too late." He breathed, taking a swig from the bottle as he sped off down the road.

"Shit!" Dean ran his hands through his hair, watching the red tail lights disappear from view.

"I guess you were right about hearing something in your room." Sam panted, pulling his car keys out of his pocket. "Good thing I have a car too."

"We're never going to locate Cas unless he wants us to, Sam." Dean looked exhausted. "I just finally found him." He said more to himself than to Sam.

"Get in the damn car, Dean." Sam called from the driver's seat.

"You can't follow an angel, Sam! He's just gonna vanish as soon as we find the car."

"Dean…" Sam stopped, as if he wasn't sure what to say. "We'll find him." He reassured his brother. "We at least have to try."

"I've been trying, Sammy." Dean looked so broken under the street light. "He hates me. Let's just give him space." Sam was about to give his brother a long lecture when a large fireball blossomed up into the sky from the direction that Castiel had driven."Cas!" Dean screamed, running to Sam's car. "Drive, Sam!"

"I'm trying!" Sam whipped the car into reverse and peeled out.

"Drive, Sam." Dean repeated himself as he played with the end of his jacket almost nervously. "Just drive."


	3. Tortured Angel

Both of the Winchesters were silent when they drove up to what was left of the Impala. The car lay at an awkward angle; apparently rolling a few times after it had hit what looked like a roadblock.

"He drove into a trap." Sam observed. Dean flung open the passenger door of the car and sprang out before Sam could even park. "Dude, wait!" Sam yelled, shifting his car into park and running after his brother, demon blade in hand. He caught up to Dean besides the Impala. Dean just stared at the burning wreck. "I'm sorry." Sam offered. "I know how much the Impala meant to you." Dean just shook his head as he reached in through the broken window on the driver's side. He ran his fingers over the steering wheel and squeezed it once.

"Do you smell that, Sam?" He asked quietly. Sam sniffed the air cautiously.

"Is that sulfur?" He looked to his older brother who nodded his head in confirmation.

"Demons." Dean growled. Sam gripped his blade a little tighter. "Search the area." Dean ordered, taking one side of the accident scene. "We don't have long before the cops show up." Sam searched looking for clues as to what had happened, but he found nothing but splattered blood on the pavement.

"Dean!" He called. As he followed the blood, he came upon a corpse that one of the demons had been possessing. Dean ran over with an angel blade in his hand.

"We were too late, Sammy." He looked from the bloody blade to his brother. "He can't have survived this."

"Yes, he could have." Sam smirked slightly as he realized something. "Let's get back to business."

"I fail to see how this is funny." Dean roared. "Last I checked, an angel blade takes out angels pretty quickly."

"Yes, but they don't kill humans as quickly." Sam countered. "Dean, Cas hasn't been an angel in months."

"What?!"

"Yea, I think the thing that attacked him ripped his grace out. That's why he was in such bad shape when I found him. That's why I was so pissed that you left him, I thought you knew."

"Oh, Sammy." Dean wiped his face looking more drained than Sam had ever seen him. "We gotta find him, Sam. I've fucked up and I've gotta make it right. I can't lose him too, Sam." That had been the most penitent Sam had ever seen his brother. Dean wasn't open with his feelings very often.

"We're going to find him." Sam started setting up a ritual on the pavement right there.

"What are you doing?" Dean was trying to pull himself together, failing at it, and becoming angry with himself all at the same time.

"Calling for back up." Sam smiled. "Crowley knows demons pretty well and he owes us." Dean hesitantly smiled back at his little brother. There was something in his eyes that Sam had not seen for a long time: hope.

Crowley was quite willing to help find Castiel. The demons that had captured the ex-angel were a rogue group that was trying to oppose Crowley's rule. Crowley was very interested in joining with the Winchesters in a group effort to wipe them out. He whisked off to the abandoned warehouse the demons were camping out in. It was assumed that they had brought Castiel back to their camp if he was still alive. He gave the brothers the directions to this site. The King of Hell sent his hell-hounds in first before Dean and Sam arrived. Most of the demons were dead, but the Winchester brothers killed the few survivors. Even though Crowley controlled these hell-hounds, Dean was still nervous around them.

"Looks like that's one rebellion down." Crowley appeared with a huge smile on his face."Thanks, boys."

"Where's Cas?" Sam asked Crowley as Dean searched through the rubble. "I don't know." The king squirmed slightly. "Thanks for the help, boys." He vanished with a small chuckle. "Dean's has a crush." His teasing voice bounced around the now empty warehouse

"Damn it!" Dean swore, throwing a brick at one of the walls. Surprisingly, the wall collapsed giving way in a plume of dust. Dean didn't notice. He just sank down into a squat, hiding his head in his hands. Sam moved around his brother quietly, his curiosity piqued by the collapsed wall.

"That's plaster, Dean. But the outer walls are cement." Sam realized, checking the hole carefully. "There's a passage way in here!" He called back to Dean excitedly. He went to jump through the hole, but Dean caught his arm and forced him back.

"I'll go first. Watch my back." Sam obeyed, biting his tongue when he saw that Dean's eyes were rimmed with red. Whatever had went down with Dean and the ex-angel had to have been fairly serious.

The passageway was tight and at some points almost impossible to pass through. Sam was glad Dean had gone first because somehow Dean had been the only one to remember to bring a flashlight.

"They're all dead." Dean motioned for Sam to stop as he heard the voices talking up ahead. "He wasn't worth all this shit. He's not even an angel anymore."

"He's only alive because he isn't an angel anymore." Another voice, a firmer voice, disciplined the other one. "He was supposed to die when I stuck him with his blade." There was a low pained moan that caused Dean to swallow hard. Sam saw his brother tense as he switched the flashlight off. "We just wanted to use you as bait." A whimper led them in the darkness. "We knew the Winchesters would enlist Crowley and then we could ambush him, but they're dead, all our friends are dead. It's only right we return that favor, huh, angel?" Sam laid his hand on Dean's shoulder as anguished scream echoed throughout the warehouse. The scream gave way to incoherent sobs. Dean wrenched free of his brother, pulling Sam's demon blade from his grasp.

"I'm going to kill them. Get to Cas, get him out." Dean sneaked off through the passageway into the small room where the demons had imprisoned Cas. He looked only for the demons though, those two monsters that were crowding around a pale body chained to the wall. He couldn't spare a look to Cas knowing that he might fall apart once his eyes connected with those perfect blue eyes.

"Looks like we don't need an angel blade to kill you after all." The head demon sneered as she twisted the knife jutting out of Castiel's chest. "I will look for you in hell, angel."

"Hell's waiting." Dean whispered from behind her, pulling her back by her hair and cutting her throat in an effecting slash, her surprised eyes meeting his determined gaze. He forced his eyes from meeting Castiel's battered, bleeding body as he cornered the smaller demon at the other end of the room. He looked back at Sam and gestured to Cas. Sam ran over to the human angel and began attempting to release Castiel's chains. Cas was barely conscious, all but lost to the pain. Sam stared at the knife in Castiel's chest. Blood spurted up and around the blade, soaking the thin dress shirt that Cas was wearing.

"He needs to go to the hospital!" Sam yelled to Dean. Dean glanced over at Castiel noting the damage. He turned his murderous glare to the whimpering demon at his feet. He could faintly hear Sam call out to him. "I need your help to get him down without making it worse." All he could see was this demon who had helped to hurt Cas, his Cas.

"Don't kill me." She pleaded, curling up to make herself seem small and insignificant. "I can help you."

"You know what? You can." Dean laughed mirthlessly. "You can die for what you did to Cas." He gutted her quickly against the wall. She screamed before she died. Dean let the carcass fall to the floor. "Cas." He whispered as he ran to his brother's side.

"I'll loosen this cuff and you loosen that one. We have to get him down gently." Sam stressed to Dean who nodded, his eyes only on Castiel. Cas regained a little more consciousness, his blue eyes intensely focusing on Dean.

"Dean." He whimpered. The sound of his pained plea broke the Winchester's hearts.

"We're gonna get you out of here." Dean whispered, taking Castiel in his arms. Castiel gripped Dean's jacket tightly with his hand. "You're gonna be okay." Sam wasn't going to point out that Dean was crying; he was too distracted by the tears that flowed down his own cheeks. They all knew Castiel could die. But none of them were ready for that situation to come true. The three of them staggered back out through the narrow passageway, through the warehouse. Dean kept Castiel in his arms as Sam drove like a man pursued by all of hell to the nearest hospital. Castiel was rushed into surgery almost as soon as they arrived. Sam watched as his brother paced back and forth in the waiting room, Castiel's blood still wet on his clothes. All they could do now was wait. He didn't know how Dean could bear it.


	4. Bitter Angel

Dean stopped pacing once the memories hit him. Sam watched with worried eyes as Dean sank into a plastic chair and held his head in his hands. He thought he had known what had happened between Dean and Cas, but there had to be so much more to than the story than he knew. Dean was worried, yes, but Sam had never seen him this visibly shaken ever, not even over all the times he had worried over Sam.

"He'll be okay." He whispered, hoping Dean could hear him. But Dean was far, far away, back in that motel room where his soul had been completely open, where Dean had been completely happy.

* * *

_"Kiss me." Castiel had whispered softly in his ear a few moments after they had climaxed. Dean had been too happy to oblige, wrapping his arms around the angel. Castiel was perfect with soft lips and rough cheeks. Plus Dean could appreciate the stamina of an angel in this new way, but for now, he was tired, spent, and complete._

_"You're shaking." He laughed quietly, feeling a happiness he had never known to be possible.. He didn't mind. He found that he liked being the cause of intense pleasure for his best friend, his angel. He especially liked being able to be the cause of such a strong reaction from an angel. For once, he wanted to stay the night and hold Castiel until Dean fell asleep._

_"All because of you." Castiel's face was honest. His eyes looked almost sleepy in the faint light._

"_Are you tired, Castiel?" Dean smirked openly._

_"I am content and I feel very satisfied." Castiel smiled a rare beaming grin. He looked at peace."I've never experienced anything like…" Castiel trailed off, wrapping his arms around Dean's neck. Dean thought he might finish his sentence with 'this.' He knew Castiel had been with Meg. And Dean had obviously been with several women, but neither of them had been with another man. Well, Dean had never been with a celestial being since he could just hear Castiel correcting him about __considering an angel a specific gender. His rambling thoughts came to a halt as Castiel started to speak again. "I've never experienced anything like you. In all my thousands of year, there has been nothing that has come close to you, Dean." He looked up to meet Castiel's sincere, adoring gaze that spoke endlessly of the angel's feelings for Dean. Castiel's fingers traced his jaw tenderly before the angel pulled Dean down into another kiss."You are beautiful, inside and out, Dean Winchester." Dean had squirmed slightly at being called 'beautiful.' He felt like Castiel could see every part of him, even the parts he tried to hide from himself. He buried his face in Castiel's neck and sighed happily. Castiel ran his fingers through his hair and up and down his neck, raising goosebumps while Dean placed gentle kissed along the angel's throat, Castiel making a sound that was a cross between a hum and a moan at the brush of Dean's lips against his neck._

"_I'll take it you're not going to vanish just yet. You're not going to leave me, are you, Cas?" He joked, hoping Castiel wouldn't see how hopeful he was._

_"Never." Castiel whispered, moving his body to entangle even more with Dean's. "You're perfect." Dean had shifted to get comfortable in Castiel's bed. The angel had curled into Dean like a small child seeking comfort. And after the experience they had just shared, who was Dean to deny him any part of himself? But just as Dean was about to fall asleep, he realized what he had done. He had just let Cas into his life in a major way. Him and Cas were a moment away from having to buy a house and adopt kids and live the picket fence life. So he pulled away from Castiel and made his way to his bed. "Dean?" Castiel had given him a questioning look._

_"I gotta pee, angel." Dean lied, grabbing his jeans. His keys and wallet were in his pockets. He could get new clothes. Castiel had watched him go with sad eyes that he had tried to avoid. He remembered how the angel looked, sitting cross-legged on the bed he had just given Dean everything on. And now, Dean was leaving without an explanation. Dean knew Castiel would let him go. He just never imagined it would hurt him so much to leave._

* * *

Dean stood up suddenly, causing the woman sitting across from him to jump.

"Call me when you find out how he is."

"Are you leaving?" Sam stood up. His older brother had tears in his eyes. Sam knew he would have to tread lightly, but he couldn't allow his brother to leave. "You can't leave, Dean. Cas needs you!"

"He needs me to stay out of his life, Sammy. I've done nothing but hurt him."

"Dean, Dean, no" Sam shook his head. "I've been with him since you left. Trust me when I say that you are hurting him more by staying away."

"I can't stay." A tormented storm raged in Dean Winchester's piercing green eyes.

"If you try to leave, I will break your arm, so help me God." Sam was dead serious. Dean scoffed slightly.

"No, you wouldn't." Sam would never do something like that to Dean. A few people watched the two brothers in curiosity, others watched in fear.

"Try me." Sam shook out his shoulders. "If you walk past me, I will break your arm. I will break whatever it requires to make you stay in the hospital." He knew Dean would challenge him. The older Winchester could be kind of predictable at times. Dean came at him, shoulder digging against Sam's shoulder as he tried to push by his 'little' brother. Sam didn't focus on the specifics, he just grabbed and wrenched Dean's arm as hard as he could. A sharp gasp blew out of Dean's lips before he wrenched his arm away from Sam.

"Damn it, Sammy!" He cradled his arm, shooting his brother a surprised yet accusatory look. "You broke something!" He tried to steady his breathing. Dean was pissed, but he was also in pain.

"Dean Bonham?" Dean jerked towards the sound of the doctor's voice. "Castiel is in rough shape. Normally, I can only let family back there, but from the story I hear of how you brought him in, I'm guessing you two are family." Sam stared out the window, biting his cheek, as he tried not to laugh. The red flush working its way up Dean's neck to his face was a testament to whatever hetero struggle he was having with the doctor's implications. "He is your partner, right?" The doctor asked.

"Yea, I guess." Dean shot Sammy a look who burst out laughing. Some patients glared their way while others just smiled.

"Figured." The doctor smiled. "It certainly explains why he keeps asking for you."

"Is he okay?" Dean was worried. "Is he awake?"

"Yes." The doctor said, "He has asked to see you, if you'll follow me." Dean tagged behind the doctor leading him to Castiel who was asking for him. Castiel was asking for him. Dean wanted to laugh at that foreign concept. He preferred when Castiel told him to go to hell; it was Cas giving him what Dean deserved. He deserved the ex-angel's rejection. He deserved his hate. He hung his head as he stepped inside Castiel's private room.

"Dean." Castiel reached his hand out for Dean. He hesitated for a moment as he realized what he was doing. The doctor took his cue to leave the room as Dean pulled up a chair and sat near Castiel's bed. With his uninjured arm, he took Castiel's hand in his own.

"I'm here. And I'm not leaving this time." Castiel's eyes flickered shut in pain as he remembered that bittersweet night. "Plus Sam will break my leg."

Castiel opened his blue, blue eyes that were crinkling around the edges as he smiled at Sam's protectiveness.

"I knew there was another reason why you were still here." He didn't mean to sound bitter, but between the pain and the drugs, he didn't have any more energy to work on protecting Dean's feelings. He just squeezed the warm hand holding his a little tighter before letting his head fall back on the hospital pillow. Now was not the place to hash everything out. He was just going to enjoy Dean coming for him instead of leaving him.


	5. Scarred Angel

"Where's Sam?" Castiel groaned as he slowly woke up. Pain surged through him as the wound in his chest reminded him of its presence. He had just come out of a second surgery a few days ago. He had a long road to recovery if the doctors were anything to go by. Plus the fact that he was having fucking withdrawals from all the whiskey was not helping his case at all.

"You okay?" Dean was awake in an instant, rubbing his bleary green eyes with one hand. "I can call him." He fiddled for his cell phone. "You hungry? I'm hungry."

"You should go, Dean." Castiel told him for the tenth day in the row. Complications from surgery had landed him a longer stay in the hospital than anticipated.

"No, I like making Sammy run errands." Dean gave Cas a boyish grin. God, if Dean know what that smile did to him, Castiel would be in way over his head.

"No, I mean you need to go. You need to leave me, Dean."

"What the hell you talking about, Cas?" Dean was close, too close to Castiel's bed, too close to Castiel.

"I need you to leave." Cas couldn't bring himself to meet Dean's eyes. "I need space."

"Last time I gave you space you almost died." Dean's voice cracked slightly, chipping at the former angel's resolve to push him away. The hunter was practically on top of Castiel, hovering so close that Castiel felt like he couldn't breathe. Why wouldn't Dean leave? He had no problem all those months ago!

"If you hadn't left me the first time, we wouldn't be in this situation!" Castiel shivered as the angry words he had been thinking for all these months finally escaped his mouth. He placed his own hand over his mouth in disbelief. "I'm sorry." He whispered, dropping his hand down by his thigh, that dull, aching numbness settling over him for the first time in days. "I don't want to hurt you. No, I'm sorry that's a lie. Sometimes, I want to destroy you. I want you to feel exactly what I felt when you left me in that motel room. I want you to experience all the pain you made me carry around!" The numbness fled as a bitter, icy anger took over. He felt ugly and broken as Dean took a half-step back. He reluctantly raised his blue eyes to meet Dean's gaze. The hunter looked so broken, so hurt; Castiel didn't even have the decency to feel bad. He felt sick to his stomach that this felt so good. But then the good feelings fled him and he was left with a healing hole in his chest. He grabbed the control for the morphine and raised the level. He took a few cautious breaths to test his pain level.

"Are you okay?" Dean sank into the hard plastic chair, pulling it so he was next to Castiel's bed. He flipped his phone open and then shut it just as quick. He leaned towards Castiel only to lean back after a few seconds.

"No." Castiel whispered, shutting his eyes tightly, wishing he could wish this all away. Morphine couldn't take away the pain in his cold, scarred heart. Dean took in a deep breath, blowing it out slowly. Castiel kept his eyes closed. He didn't want to see the man he would always want, the man he willingly gave up his grace for. "I'm a monster." He half-mumbled, half-sobbed as he turned his head into the thin hospital pillow; he didn't want to see Dean.

"Naw, Cas, you're human." Dean wrapped Castiel's hand between his two hands. A tremor of surprise ran through Castiel's body at the warm touch. He turned his head and opened his eyes slowly to face Dean again.

"I don't really want to hurt you." He choked out.

"Take it easy; you've got a hole in your chest." Dean warned him, moving from the chair to the bed, sitting next to his angel. Castiel moved to make room, but Dean pulled him back and into his arms. "I fucked up bad, Cas. And I'm not asking you to forgive me because what I did was unforgivable. If I could go back and stay, I would go back and stay. I hated being away from you." A whimper tore from Castiel's lips before he could hold it back. He quickly buried his face into Dean's chest. "I left because I was scared. And that's no excuse, I know. I just knew that if I stayed, I would be forever changed for the better. God, I wish I would have stayed."

"Stop, please, stop." He begged. "It's easier to hate you."

"I know." Dean patted his back. "It's easier when you hate me." Dean stood up carefully. "Bacon cheeseburger with the works?" He smirked slightly at Castiel's puzzled look. "I'm starving. You're even hungry." He gestured as Castiel's stomach butted into the conversation. Castiel smiled slightly, but his blue eyes sparkled with apprehension. "I think we need food to continue this conversation."

"Okay." There he was again, alone on a bed, watching Dean leave with no way of knowing if he was really coming back.

"I'll be back." Dean leaned over and kissed Castiel on the forehead. "I promise." A calloused hand reached up to brush Cas's cheek. Dean winked before he left the room.

Castiel knew he wouldn't see the hunter again. He spent the next half hour steeling himself for when Sam would collapse in the chair next to his bed and admit that his brother was a dick with those stupid puppy eyes that always made Cas want to apologize for hurting so badly. He stared at his toes peeking up under the white hospital blanket as he heard his door open. He couldn't look, no, he wouldn't look at whomever was coming in.

He was glad he didn't. It was the nurse who gave him shy smiles as she checked his vitals. He was too busy being distracted by her conversation that he didn't realize Dean had returned until he smelled food, real food.

"Dean?" His head whipped around and he stumbled out of bed regardless of the nurse's protests. Dean managed to put down the drinks and bag of take-out in time to catch his falling angel.

"I'm here." Dean's hands smoothed down Castiel's hospital gown, holding him tight, holding him up as Castiel's body protested the sudden vigorous movement from the hospital bed.

"Am I fucking dreaming?" Cas mumbled into Dean's jacket, his fist tight around the lapel. Dean gave a loud belly laugh that eased some of the pain from Castiel's heart. Dean was back. Dean came back. Dean wasn't going to leave.

"Nope." Dean's arm pulled him closer to that sturdy chest.

"Being a human fucking sucks." Dean laughed softer this time, gently wiping away the tears that were running down Castiel's scruffy cheeks.

"It gets better." The nurse and Dean helped Castiel get back into bed. Dean handing over a burger once Cas was settled. Castiel scooted over and pointedly looked at Dean with bright red cheeks until Dean came and joined him.

For once, Castiel believed Dean. Maybe it could.  
He, for one, sure hoped it would.


End file.
